How to be rich

When I go round state schools I tell children that if they want to be sure of a good job they should leave and go to a private school.


What I tell children in schools is that if they want to achieve and acquire wealth, the best thing they should do is inherit it.


I tell students worried about debt that if their parents can’t afford to help them, find some parents who can.


I was explaining to this rough sleeper bloke that he could have avoided his situation if he had put his profits into a tax haven and he told me to f off.

I looked at the prospectus for Eton. Sounded nice. Everyone should go there. Oh hang on...