Thursday, 4 February 2016

The Jeremy Hunt Book of Wisdom

On January 26 Jeremy Hunt said:

‘We may well need more 111 doctors and nurses. But if you’re worried about a rash your child has, an online alternative – where you look at photographs and say 'my child’s rash looks like this one' – may be a quicker way of getting to the bottom of whether this is serious or not.”

I would like to be Jeremy Hunt’s speech writer and offer him the following suggestions as press releases:

Jeremy Hunt says that people should improve their bandaging skills by watching “The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb.’

Jeremy Hunt says using google for self-diagnosis is good for you, good for the NHS, good for google and what's good for google is good for us all.

Jeremy Hunt say that a heart attack is sometimes best cured by wiggling your fingers.

Jeremy Hunt says that brain tumours are often alleviated by eating prunes.

Jeremy Hunt says that many illnesses can be cured with a nice cup of tea.

Jeremy Hunt says that a fever can often be brought down by having a sympathetic chat with someone.

Jeremy Hunt says that broken bones are often best cured with a good rest. Just put your feet up. If you can, that is.

Jeremy Hunt says that doctors waste too much time trying to find out if people are ill.

Jeremy Hunt says he isn't ill, so why should anyone else be?

Jeremy Hunt says that epidemics are a luxury. People should just sit a bit further away from each other.

Jeremy Hunt says that too much time is taken up in the NHS by people who are ill.

Jeremy Hunt says that eating your own underwear is a proven cure for the plague.

Jeremy Hunt says that careful use of a mirror can enable you to take your own appendix out.

Jeremy Hunt says that a good deal of dietary complaints could be solved by us eating each other.

Jeremy Hunt says that illness is something caused by doctors.

Jeremy Hunt says that we don't need Junior Doctors. We need Senior Doctors.

Jeremy Hunt says that if you cover one eye up and then swap to the other eye, it cures pneumonia.

Jeremy Hunt says that his ambition in life is to have a rash named after him.

Jeremy Hunt says that when a vet sees a sick cow, the cow doesn't write to her MP complaining about the vet service.

Jeremy Hunt says that people should dig their own graves.

Jeremy Hunt says that people can choose not to be ill.

Jeremy Hunt says if you've got a bad leg, when you go to work, leave it at home.

Jeremy Hunt says that doctors’ surgeries are much too full of people who are ill.

Jeremy Hunt says, if the GPs want to resign, let them. ‘I'll do their job.’

Jeremy Hunt says I know all about medicine, I was born in a hospital.

Jeremy Hunt says that when he was at Junior School he wasn't paid, so why should Junior Doctors be.

Jeremy Hunt says no one likes doctors in surgeries, so he's closing surgeries, putting doctors in cabs, and patients will now roam the streets looking for a doctor-cab.

Jeremy Hunt says GPs need to spend more of their time and budgets on marketing themselves. Doctors should think of themselves as coca-cola cans.

Jeremy Hunt says that he knows of a doctor who died. That's why we can't always rely on there being a doctor when we need one.

Jeremy Hunt says Tories laughing at sick people in Corbyn's letters is good. If more people laughed, there'd be less strain on the NHS.

Jeremy Hunt says that if he inserts his head into his anus he finds the view much more interesting than when thinking about the NHS.