A place where I'll post up some thoughts and ideas - especially on literature in education, children's literature in general, poetry, reading, writing, teaching and thoughts on current affairs.
Tuesday, 3 September 2019
Sensational leak: the Dear Boris letters - in full
Dear Dominic
Slightly snaggy: seems the swines have spotted that you don't have a membo card. I know a guy in Belgravia who's got an engraving biz who could knock you up something dated 1996. Needs must. Eat this note.
Magnus avocado in solipsis
Boris
Dear Boris
Your pathetic party is full of snivelling worms. I heard Hammond on the BBC (Marxist-Leninist). He should be sectioned or beheaded. Do it. There's too much dead wood in the ranks. Lop it off. Remember what I said: eat or be eaten.
Dominic
Dear Dave
Are you in the country or on hols? Was remembering a chat I had with old Boffo who told me that while you were in college you had a tendency to leave a silent sentinel in the bogs for Matron to flush. Was minded it of it this week.
Solo excrementum in perpetua
Boris
Dear Boris
David is not doing letters, emails or phone calls at the moment. He's got a frightfully huge autumn coming up doing promos for his autobiog. and is taking a break-ette before the storm. We're all well. Who are you married to now?
Samantha
Dear Boris
I am aware that you are avoiding engagement with the likes of the Channel 4 News Asian gentleman, you should, nevertheless, point out the advantages of leaving. I, for one, always mention the forthcoming cheapness of footwear.
Damocles Roma ludo
Jacob R-M
Dear Boris
Did you catch me on telly? Hope so. I kept to Dominic's script word for word so I hope you were pleased with it. I'm also doing my best with the face thing: keeping it cheery. Hope you spotted that. I didn't leak the wotsit when I was doing Defence. Really.
Best
Gavin
Dear Williamson
Don't snivel. I had a fag at Eton whose job was to tie my shoelaces and if I so much as reminded him that I like double-bows, would burst into a stream of apologetic mutterings. Awful creep. Remember, it's strength through joy.
In domine non cluedo
Boris
Cher Monsieur Barnier
Je suis dans le merde. Je desire que vous prétendez en public que nous avons beaucoup de plans et discussions. Dans le future il est possible que je aide vous en business (wink wink, as we say en Anglais).
Anglia magna Anglia prima,
Boris
Dear Mr Johnson
Thank you for your kind letter. I will decline your offer of some financial advantage in the event of my deceiving the British public that useful discussions are taking place. I wish you and your colleagues a pleasant day in your Parliament.
Best
Barnier.
Dear Boris
I don't want to sound in any way like some kind of superior head girl but from where I'm sitting (watching the tennis, actually), it rather does look as if you've lost your majority. Careless, or what? Whoops.
Best wishes
Theresa
Dear Theresa
Last time I was ticked off like that was when Matron found me smoking banana skins behind the Music block. I can tell you for nothing that I've brought turbocharged grit and steel to this whole Brexit matter, not your dog's brexit.
In domine dominic
Boris
Dear Boris
Stuff the traitor who's buggered off. I warned you before that your shitty party is stuffed full of inferior genetic material. Eva Peron didn't need crap like that.
Cummings