Sunday, 6 April 2014

Gove tells Wilshaw of what he plans to do tomorrow.

It's Sunday, Gove walks into his empty office, turns on the light.
He walks about for a bit.
Goes to the phone.
Dials a number

He is calling Wilshaw.

Wilshaw (replying from home) Hello?

Gove: It's me.

Wilshaw: Who is this?

Gove: For christ's sake, it's me.

Wilshaw: Sorry, I don't recognise your voice. Who are you?

Gove: It's the Duke of bloody Windsor.

Wilshaw: (dejected) Oh it's you.

Gove: Look, I'm sorry about all know...yesterday and...

Wilshaw: Yes, yes, what do you want? 'The Voice' is on and Kylie-

Gove: I thought I ought to tell you before I tell anyone else.

Wilshaw: If you're thinking of giving me the shove, I can tell you, no matter what you do, I - 

Gove: No, no, no, quite the opposite. 

Wilshaw (not getting it) You've got nothing on me, Govey...(interrupts himself)  What?  Opposite?

Gove: Yep. Maria is going to walk. She's not going to last more than 48 hours. 

(pause  silence)

Gove: Are you still there?

Wilshaw: You know this sort of thing doesn't interest me at all.

Gove: Yes, you're more 'stand-up sit-down, do-as-I-say'

Wilshaw: You haven't rung me at home on a Sunday to tell me this sort of rubbish? 

Gove: No I'm ringing you to tell you that I'm going for Maria's job. Culture.

(pause, silence)

Gove: Well?

Wilshaw: Well, what?

Gove: What do you say?

Wilshaw: Nothing. 

Gove: 'Nothing'. 'Nothing', he says. Fine. Nothing it is, then. So, you know I'm going to see Dave tomorrow morning and I'm going to throw my name in the hat. I can tell you, Wilshaw, I know more about culture than you, I know more about culture than anyone else in the whole bloody cabinet. I do. I do. 

(pause, silence)

Gove: You don't think I do? Is that it? Try me, try me. Ask me anything. Shakespeare. Wordsworth. (winding himself up) Or history. Battle of Bosworth. Whigs, Monmouth Rebellion. C'mon, big boy. Try me. 

(pause, silence)

Gove: (calming himself down) And all I ask of you then, is that you keep a lid on it, till you hear about it from someone else. 

Wilshaw: What makes you think that your friends at News Corp aren't listening?

Gove: You never leave it alone, do you?


Gove: And you don't want to wish don't want to wish Or best of luck, or anything?


Gove: Or a thank you?


Gove: Or that it's been worth it, (getting heated)  or that you at least one tiny, tiny, tiny bloody bit of you is one tiny, tiny, tiny bit sorry?


Gove: (shouting) Well sod you and the rest of you! Piss off back to your Ofsted bloody bunch of snidey mates. Remember, I've done more for education in this country than you or, any of your new bloody Labour mates, have ever-

(the phone goes down at the other end)

Gove: (swears at himself, hits himself, walks about, turns out light, turns it on again. Gets out mobile, dials a number)_

Gove: Sarah? Sarah?

(voice mail)

Oh bloody hell, Sarah, why are you never there when I need you? It's all about you, these days, isn't it?

(finishes call, walks out, forgets to turn the light out, comes back in, kicks the waste paper bin, turns the light out, walks out.)