Monday, 7 March 2016

My "DfE rules and announcements" (hem hem) on exclamation marks

My collected spoof tweets on exclamation marks, following the DfE issuing stipulations on their use for 7 year olds. About half way down there is tweet from the Sunday Times journalist who carried the story.

(nb - my first tweets begin at the end and the last is at the top)

We at the DfE think that schools could make a profit from exclamation marks.

Nicky Morgan says, 'Please could you send me any examples of exclamation mark overuse.' Responsible government at last.

If you see a copy of Act I scene 1 of The Tempest online, attach it to an email and send it to the DfE now, says the DfE. Urgent.

Ruth Moleskin has produced a course 'Exclaim Safely' which the government recommends, says the DfE spokesperson Ruth Moleskin.

Boris says, 'Non sequitur, balderdash, hic hac hoc, nil desperandum - once we are free of Europe, we can be free of EuroExclamation Marks'.

We were right to mock the Labours control freakery in education, said Nick Gibb, but even we had to intervene on exclamation mark overuse.

The DfE switchboard is waiting now for your exclamation mark calls. Please ring now before it's too late.

The DfE is urging people to email them with all examples of misuse and overuse of exclamation marks now. Urgent. Please do it today.

The DfE mistook William Shakespeare for a pupil and referred his case to the Exclamation Mark Court in error.

If @NATEfeed were a responsible organisation it would be actively cooperating in removing exclamation marks from the howling in King Lear.

Act 1 scene 1 of 'The Tempest' (with its 22 exclamation marks)described by Cameron as the kind of terrorist text that Corbyn likes.

@MichaelRosenYes @NATEfeed What are schools in Westward Ho! going to do?

Please rush copies of Act 1 scene 1 of 'The Tempest' to the DfE and Nicky Morgan now, who will do all they can to make them safe.

Please beware Act 1 scene 1 in 'The Tempest' it is an extreme exclamation mark text. The Prevent Exclamation Strategy should be followed.

The DfE helpline is open now to deal with your exclamation mark problems.

Helen Belcher ‏@HelenCBelcher 3h3 hours ago

@MichaelRosenYes Westward Ho! primary school will have to close.

The DfE have just banned Act 1 scene 1 of 'The Tempest' as it uses 22 exclamation marks. Schools please take note. @NATEfeed

Michael Wilshaw writes: 'Many teachers have no! idea how to! use exclamation marks,' and he's recommending a one-strike and out process.

At PMQs today, Cameron mocked Corbyn's supposedly slovenly use of exclamation marks: 'My mother's marks are better than your mother's.'

Several newspapers have agreed to set up an Exclamation Mark agony aunt page to deal with the wave of anxiety sweeping the country.

This government has done more to give teachers and schools autonomy than any other, but exclamation marks are a point of principle.

Free schools won't have to eliminate all overuse of exclamation marks but they are expected to maintain standards, say DfE.

Nicky Morgan says that she isn't absolutely certain what an exclamation mark is but feels that the new directive is sensible.

The DfE is issuing anti-exclamation mark kits so that we can all eliminate overused marks from ads, billboards etc. #cleanup

Some TV and radio programmes have implied exclamation marks. These can be just as dangerous, says DfE Exclamation Tsar.

One DfE adviser has published a course: 'Exclaim, Mark, inc' and the govt is subsidizing the use of her course. No conflict of interest tho'

The DfE says that moderate use of exclamation marks is a sign of rigour and high standards.

DfE guidelines issued today urge teachers to watch out for children trying to smuggle in exclamation marks under cover of colons.

You Retweeted

Sian Griffiths ‏@SianGriffiths6 3h3 hours ago

Story can be read here! @MichaelRosenYes …

Michael Gove points out that Spanish upside down exclamation marks are a major danger coming from Europe. The DfE refuse to comment.

Teachers, some children are at risk of extremist use of exclamation marks. Our Prevent Exclamation strategy should be applied, say the DfE.

Parents - please, please, please watch out for the danger signs in your children overusing exclamation marks. Call the DfE helpline now.

And where does the UK come in PISA exclamation mark rankings?

Nicky Morgan spotted using exclamation mark in 'wrong' way. DfE Exclamation Tsar appalled.

We at the DfE have asked our Exclamation Tsar to go through texts of drama, fiction and poetry and remove overused exclamation marks.

The newly appointed exclamation mark Tsar blames trendy teachers for the fall in exclamation mark standards.

The DfE point out that our international competitiveness must not be jeopardised through exclamation mark overuse.

We at the DfE have noted Boris's concern that Spanish upside down exclamation marks could come here in their thousands.

Any local authority school overusing exclamation marks faces conversion to Academy status. Every child deserves a quality exclamation mark.

We have experienced exclamation mark counsellors on our DfE Exclamation Mark helpline. Please call now if you know someone in danger.

All teachers in maintained schools are required to deliver moderate exclamation mark use as part of the British Values initiative, says DfE.

The DfE strategy Prevent the Mark has new powers to monitor texting and emails for exclamation mark overuse.

In a major drive against Exclamation Mark abuse, we at the DfE are calling on the public to call the DfE now to report any suspicious use.

Parents: watch out for the danger signs of your children overusing exclamation marks. Phone the DfE helpline now.

Our DfE Exclamation Mark monitoring equipment has detected Lucy aged 6 in Leeds overusing exclamation marks. Stop it now.

We at the DfE Exclamation Department have spotted a free floating exclamation mark on p. 8 of the Daily Mirror. Writ to be served later.

The DfE Exclamation Mark Department is a talking to Scotland Yard to improve control procedures.

We at the DfE have set up an Exclamation Department to monitor, examine and control the use of exclamation marks.