Nicky was a lovely girl who sparkled wheresoever she went. Her best friend was Nick who knew a lot about everything, like an encyclopedia at the bottom of our garden. One day they went on a safari trip to the moon where they went for a ride on the kind of thing that nice people go for rides on on the moon. In Tasmania there used to be an animal called the Tasmanian Devil, which died out thanks to human predation. Nicky and Nick are extremely able and clever people who are ultimately responsible for everything that goes on in schools. You are grateful. In a minute you will have some questions. Some of you won't be able to answer them. That's good because this means Nicky and Nick can turn you into an academy with their magic wands. You like academies and you want all schools to be academies, notwithstanding other circumstantial evidence.
1. 'Human predation' means:
a) Human deprivation
b) Human impregnation
c) Human infestation
d) Human redaction
Tick one, or die.
2. What does the word 'sparkled' mean?
Write 23 meanings in the space below.
3. How many times has your father spoken to you about Tasmanian Devils? If none, proceed to the room marked 'unworthy'.
4. Do you have an encyclopedia at the bottom of your garden? If you don't have a garden, ask your parents why not.
5. Do you like Nicky and Nick? Tick 'yes'.
6. The word 'notwithstanding' doesn't mean 'not with standing'. English: funny old language, eh? But not for you.
7. Give four sentences which explain what this brilliant piece of writing is about.
8. Explain why the people who wrote this test are anonymous.
9. We're finding it rather hard to think of another question but we have to or Nicky and Nick won't give us another one of these very lucrative contracts. Can you think of a question? No, don't answer that one, because we won't be able to put it through a computer.
10. Ah yes, we forgot the sequence one that Michael Gove said was important. Put the following into the correct sequence:
11. The word 'sparkled' is
12. Count the full stops. Divide by 3. Take away the number you first thought of. Use Young's Modulus for Linear Expansion to determine whether any could have been semi-colons.
13. Did you arrive in this country to live any time in the last 2 years? Do you think this test takes into consideration any of the incredible advances you have made in learning to speak, write, read and understand English?
If your answers to these two questions are yes and no, we have at least achieved something.
14. If you have got to the end of the test, please sit quietly looking at the clock. Do not avert your gaze.
15. Avert means:
a small creature called a vert
a big creature called a vert
a green creature called a vert
a word meaning, may the heavens open and take me away from this rubbish?