Monday 27 June 2016

Statement from the Chancellor: "Markets, calm down, calm down. Please."

Good morning, Markets.

You will have noticed that the MP, rugby player and lunatic Boris Johnson has convinced enough people that leaving the EU will rid the country of dandruff and jonny foreigner. Of course you're jonny foreigner and that's not my attitude at all. Not at all.

First, can I say, calm down. Calm down. Please.

That's how we politicians talk to the Markets, isn't it? You have to do your work, and if it involves shipping billions out of the country, then you have to do it. We all believe in the Markets, don't we? The Markets are good.  You're good. Just calm down a bit, OK?

What I'm trying  to do is make sure that the MP, rugby player and lunatic Boris Johnson is not going to be in charge in a few months time. This is going to be tricky because a majority of the people voted for the thing that Boris asked them to vote for. They didn't vote for my thing.

Calm down, calm down.

We are the natural party of government. We know what we're doing. Boris doesn't. But we do.

And we're united. We're one party.

Calm down.