My bid for leadership of the Labour Party

I hereby promise that I will not support any campaign by anyone, anywhere to protect public services or to protect their livelihoods. I hereby promise never to point out on TV programmes or in newspapers that it wasn't the public sector which caused the world economic crisis; I hereby promise not to point out that we are in the midst of a transfer of wealth from the poorest to the richest section of society: I hereby promise that I will let interviewers on radio and TV bark at me about 'deficit reduction, deficit reduction, deficit reduction' without ever mentioning any of these aforementioned things. I hereby promise that I will accuse union leaders of being unrealistic for trying to protect their members from the attacks on their standard of living. With these words, I pledge my support for the present Labour leadership and should it be decided that the present leadership isn't pretty enough to make the difficult decisions facing this great country of ours, then I hereby offer my heart and soul as the one to take its place and do even better than the present incumbent to ensure that the rich shall go on inheriting the earth.