Instructions for next Labour leader

1. Don't eat bacon sandwiches in public.
2. Check what your relatives said about the war.
3. Always wear a tie - but not if you're a woman.
4. Be normal.
5. Love Trident.
6. Say you're going to put the 'Great' back into Great Britain.
7. Love the Queen.
8. Say that we can a learn a lot from Lord Sugar.
9. Say that abolishing the House of Lords is more difficult than it looks.
10. Say that trade unions can't keep having their own way.
11. Say that banks have got a job to do just like the rest of us.
12. Remember that the band plays four notes before you come in with 'Send her victorious'.
13. Every now and then suggest that 'minorities' do something wrong e.g. talk their own language, live next door to each other. This implies that a) you are not a minority and b) you don't talk your own language or live next door to someone who's in your minority - which is not possible because you are not a minority anyway. I know this is complicated. Keep it simple: it's all about 'us' and 'them'.
14. Like sport.
15. Jumpers - weekend only.
16. Don't eat noodles.