Saturday 5 April 2014

Gove accuses Wilshaw of treachery over today's leaked document in the Observer

Gove bursts into Wilshaw's office. He is holding a copy of the Observer, dated April 6 2014.

Wilshaw: You should have knocked.

Gove: (furious) I'll give you 'knocked', you bastard.

Wilshaw: Whoa, slow down, smartypants. What now?

Gove: Have you seen this? It's a leak.

Wilshaw looks at the Observer article which reveals that Gove and Lord Nash have cooked up a plan to pre-empt Ofsted inspections of Free Schools. This is to avoid the embarrassing stories emerging over the last few months of failing Free Schools.

Gove: I warned you. I told you to keep your bloody attack-dogs out of the Free Schools.

Wilshaw: Oh yes, I remember that. You forget that you can't stop me inspecting them. Though, I'll admit I kept it to a minimum, less than 40 out of more than 170. C'mon, that's pretty low.

Gove: Not low enough, Speccy.

Wilshaw: It's not looking good, is it?

Gove: You're part of the Blob, aren't you, Wilshaw? You are an Enemy of Promise. What the hell's going on?

Wilshaw: It's not looking good, Govey.

Gove: Did you leak the report? That was just between me and Nash. Who else saw it? Did you see it?

Wilshaw: I may have done. I may not have done.

Gove: If your fingerprints on this, then you're dead meat.

Wilshaw: If there's any meat labelled with a death certificate round here, I think it belongs to the guy looking at me.

Gove: These Free Schools are my idea. I thought of them. They're mine. They're mine, Speccy. And you and your pissy Ofsted bloody quality control thugs are undermining them. What is this? Revenge?

Wilshaw: Oh, is this your Shakespeare moment?

Gove: You may well have the bloody Telegraph on your side, but I've got News Corp. They'll...

Wilshaw: I shouldn't be too sure that News Corp will do anything for you just now...they're on damage limitation in the law courts at the moment.

Gove: (sensing he's snookered, backs against the wall) You're not the only one here, who's got it in for me. There are others. I've seen their smirking. I've seen you sneering and jeering together as you leave meetings. Just remember this: I've been the most important Education chief since -

Wilshaw: 'Have been'. Quite.

Gove rushes out, making a noise like a cat whose tail has been trodden on.

He throws back one last comment.

"And I'll close down the bloody Observer.'

Wilshaw whistles quietly to himself.