Monday 7 April 2014

Gove-Wilshaw: latest recording.

In an alcove in the corridor at the Department for Education

Gove bumps into Wilshaw.

The whole conversation is in whispers and stops whenever someone comes past.

Gove: (urgently) That call last night didn't happen.

Wilshaw: (snorts contemptuously)

Gove: Maria's going. It's a cavity thing.

Wilshaw: (he is reading a document called: 'The Hammer and the Fist'; he looks up) Mm? Are you still talking?

Gove: (blathering on) Cavity. Dental. Leave it and it rots.

Wilshaw: (uninterested) Uh-huh. Look, I've got to go: you'll like this. I'm giving the OK to send in some of my troops this afternoon. Swat job.

Gove: They had better not be some of mine.

Wilshaw: If they are, they are.

Gove: I told you, no more bloody headlines to do with Frees and Academies. Bloody lay off them, will you?

Wilshaw: You made your bed, sonnyjim. A lousy LA school gets turned into an Academy. A lousy free school or a lousy Academy gets turned into what exactly?

Gove: Whose bloody side are you on, now? And don't say 'the kids'.  That's my line.

Wilshaw: The kids.

Gove: Look, can I have a guarantee from  you that you won't say a word about me going for the job?

Wilshaw: What job?

Gove: Which one are you doing this afternoon?  Stupid or deaf?

Wilshaw: I'm only here for the 'hot sex'.

Gove: That was a joke.

Wilshaw (holds up newspaper with headline: GOVE SAYS THAT YOUNG BUSINESS PEOPLE COME TO LONDON FOR 'HOT SEX'.)

Gove: What is it with these creeps? It was a joke.

Wilshaw: What kind of joke? Irony, is it? Hyperbole?

Gove: I do the clever stuff, big boy. You're the hammer. Or the fist. Or both. Something dull, anyway.

Wilshaw: I am, sonny jim. I am. I close schools. I put the shits up teachers.

Gove: Like bloody hell you do. I'm the one round here who closes schools. All you do, is send in your hirelings.

Wilshaw: That's not what you said, when you told me how many academies you wanted by 2015.

Gove: One step out of line, and I'll have you up on a - never mind that now... I'm just saying that almost certainly I'm going to be out of here by the end of the week. I just wanted to s-

Wilshaw: Hot sex.

Gove: What is it with you?

Wilshaw: You won't get Culture. Not with your big gob.

Gove: I AM Culture. It's what I do. I live it. I never intended to piss about in the world of scummy little teachers and ex-teachers like you. I want to be down with Barenboim, Damien Hurst, Lucian Freud.

Wilshaw: He's dead.

Gove: I know. I know. I just said it to catch you out.

Wilshaw: Hot sex.

(Wilshaw walks off. Gove stands in the corridor, fiddling with his glasses.)