Saturday 5 April 2014

Gove and Wilshaw discuss whingeing headteachers

Gove is sitting in his office.

Wilshaw walks in.

Gove: You could have knocked.

Wilshaw: The Whingers Club are writing to me again.

Gove: Deal with it.

Wilshaw: I will and I am. But this sort of thing sends out ripples. You're the one with an election to win.

Gove: You're the one with a job to lose.

Wilshaw: I've got nothing to lose. Retirement round the corner. Pension sorted. Have you seen Labour's lead in the marginals?

Gove: Shuttup, Specky, you're the one whingeing about whingers.

Wilshaw: You're not listening. Some headteacher or other writes this sort of thing to me nearly every day now.

(waves letter in Gove's direction)

"blah blah blah...we would have been 'Outstanding' but our Year 2 results were deemed to be 'Good' not 'Outstanding'...blah blah blah."

Gove: Is this really why you've come in here?

Wilshaw: This bit: he says -

Gove: Who says?

Wilshaw: The head teacher - bloody listen, will you? He says next, that the reason why his Year 2's results weren't 'Outstanding' is because virtually all of them only arrived in the country at the beginning of the year.

Gove: Excuses. These bloody teachers. They always blame the children. Just because he's got a class full of foreigners doesn't mean he can't teach them! What is the matter with-

Wilshaw: No, yes. No. I mean, in this particular case...I

Gove: Oh for god's sake, you're the Blob as well, aren't you? Blobby blobby Wilshaw.

Wilshaw: Of course I'm not. No. Of course not. But, if they really have just come into the country...

Gove: Is this one of ours?

Wilshaw: An Academy, you mean? No.

Gove: Well, what are you bloody worried about then? Throw the book at them. They are failing those kids.

Wilshaw: No, what I'm saying is that I don't think this school is failing them. If it really is true what he says, and these Year 2s have really only just arrived, then he's actually doing pretty good to get them to 'Good' in a year.

Gove: You make me sick sometimes. This is some slummy little Local Authority school. I don't care how bloody 'Good' it's supposed to be. Your inspectors have just done a grand job keeping it out of the 'Outstanding' band, and you come here sympathising with whingey little Blob man. Pathetic.

Wilshaw: I'm trying to show you that you're making an enemy out of someone who could be...who could be...Look, I thought you wanted your lot to win this election.

Gove: Do I?

Wilshaw: Don't you?

Gove: Do I?

Wilshaw: You tell me.

Gove: That's the bit I don't do, remember? Now, run along. I've got some serious doo-doo to deal with now.

Wilshaw: (peering over on to Gove's desk) - Hah! King's Science Academy Free School again! Yes, that is doo-doo.

Gove: Oh, clear off, will you.

Wilshaw leaves.