Could I say that my resignation from the world's greatest News corporation is a matter of great regret. I have tried my hardest to steer this company between the sharks and there will be times in years to come, the world will recognise me for what I am: not as born-lucky, chancer who thought he could ride out the shit, but an honourable, intelligent, cosmopolitan sort of a guy.
In the meantime, I leave the corporation in good shape: only a handful of reporters on the Sun were slinging money down cops' throats, Andy Coulson will of course prove to the world that he's as good a guy as I am. Ahem. Dad's putting in yet another amazing stint to get the Sun on Sunday off the ground and it'll be jam-packed full of the proven formula, football, tits, info on celebs and our prize columnists telling Labour women to shuttup. If we can find some paedophiles, or alleged paedophiles, or people who could be alleged paedophiles, so much the better.
Remember,all this came about because of the unions and the BBC. It's their fucking fault. Fucking bastards, Raving paedophile trotskyists all of them. Fuck'em. And again.
So, with all the dignity I can muster, I bid you farewell.
Hey dad, don't bloody cut me out of the will on this one, you old douchebag.