up to me and started talking to me. She had an
accent. Could have been German. Or Portugese.
She asked me if she could ask me some questions.
She showed me a picture of herself in a polythene
see-through bag. I didn’t look very closely at it but
I thought I saw the word ‘Marketing’. My train was
delayed so I said, OK. She said that it was to improve
the service. I said, OK and she rummaged around in
her bag and took out a clip board. On the clip board
there was a list of questions.
She said, ‘Are you travelling today?’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Are you travelling for business, leisure or family
reasons?’
I said, ‘Family reasons.’
She said, ‘Do you ride a horse?’
I said, ‘No.’
She said, ‘When a piece of bread is smaller than
the slot in the toaster, then, assuming you turn off
the toaster for health and safety reasons do you
a) stick a knife in the bread and hook it out?
b) pick up the toaster, turn it over and shake
it out? c) leave it in there?
I said, ‘’b’) I turn the toaster over.’
She said, ‘Do you travel First Class or Second Class?
I said, ‘Usually Second Class, but at the weekends I might
upgrade.’
She said, ‘Do you think the world political situation
would be improved if a) the Roman Empire came back b)
people stopped eating processed meat, c) politicians drank
more water?
I said, ‘I don’t think any of those. Can I say ‘None’?
She said, ‘I’m the one asking the questions.’
I said, ‘I know.’
She said, ‘I’ll take that as a)’
I said, ‘The Roman Empire one?’
She said, ‘Yes.’
I said, ‘The Romans didn’t have trains.’
She said, ‘If they did, they would have made them
run on time.’
I said, ‘Except towards the end. You know, when they
were leaving here and going back to Rome.The trains
wouldn’t have been on time then.’
She said, ‘I’ve made a note of that.’
I said, ‘Thanks.’
She said, ‘On a scale of ten do you think the following
would improve the service:
‘Giving customers flat-pack self-assembly furniture to
construct on their journeys?’ 10 for definitely, Zero for
not at all.”
‘Nine,’ I said.
On a scale of ten, do you think customers should be
supplied with the magazine, ‘Dairy Cow News’?
I said, ‘Nine’.
She said, ‘Why?’
I said, ‘Because when I was about ten years old I
developed a fascination with dairy cows. I could tell
the difference between a Dairy Shorthorn and an
Ayrshire. I think having a free copy of ‘Dairy Cow
News’ would be of great interest.’
She said, ‘The survey is complete. We give all the
people we interview a small gift. You have a choice.
Would you like a pen, a notebook, a tomato, a
holiday in Florida or a baby?’
I said, ‘I’ll take the tomato.’
