"I am standing as parent governor at Local Street Comprehensive because I want to do all I can to make the school efficient, competitive and 21st Century. I promise to do all I can to get it turned into an Academy and, if you elect me, I will do all I can to develop the assets of the site. Among my many ideas for this are: inviting franchises in to take over the classrooms on the ground floor, turning the gym into a commercially successful fitness and spa, getting rid of the library and turning it into a hi-tech media centre for aspiring entrepreneurs. I will work with Pearson or any other major company to convert the curriculum to a digital platform and will encourage them to make us an offer we can't refuse to provide us with tablets. We need many more vending machines in the school and these can be used to fund school trips to successful businesses in the area. There are far too many school trips to so-called 'educational' sites. We need to get the students thinking business, business, business.
On the discipline front, I'm proposing that the school bring in one-strike-and-out. One of my interests in the community is that I am running the first commercially viable pupil referral unit in the country, and I am delighted to say that schools all over the area send troublesome and challenging pupils to my unit to experience the tried and proven boot-camp regime. So far, we have successfully released more than 30% of the boys into the armed services, 30% into HM Prisons and very few have committed suicide.
Please vote for me."
[irony alert]
