"I would just like to say that I have made a decision to waive my bonus. I have looked at my salary of 23 trillion pounds and after a good deal of thought, I came to the view that I don't need 85 trillion shares in the company. I think you will all agree that this represents a victory for common sense and fair play. I get to keep my 23 trillion quid and the company just hands out the 85 trillion shares to some other guy sucking up the surplus. As we say here at the Bank, some people stick their bullion in trunks, we stick our trunks into the bullion and hoover up the bloody lot.
Look, as the captain of the slave-ship said to his slaves, we're all in the same boat - now row faster you bastards.
Good man. And he certainly collected his bullion in a trunk when he sold the lot in Trinidad.
I digress.
We live in straitened times. And I want to be straight with you. I work damned hard. And I have an enormous brain. That's why I need to be paid in trillions. People who are lazy and have small brains - that's all of you, don't need trillions. Why not?
One: you wouldn't know what to spend it on. You're too stupid.
Two: if you had loads of money you wouldn't come and work for me or any other slave driver. And then where would we be?
So you get fuck all and a slice of bread and I get 23 trillion. Roll on next year when I get my bonus back.
Take those glum looks off your faces, for chrissake. Don't tell me you suffer from depression. Depression? Gettit????
Never mind."
