"Hi! Look, there are major problems in our society - poverty, inequality, bad health, computer games, attention deficit disorder, dirty floors, imported tomatoes, climate change, pornography, fat cats, thin cats - and all of them could be solved if working class parents knew for certain they could smack their kids. I'm not talking about middle class people here. They're fine. It's working class people. They come up to me and say, 'Hi! We want to thrash our kids but the bloody middle class tossers who run everything say that we can't. If we do, we'll be hauled up in front of the beak.'
And that's where we're letting them down. And we saw what happened. Lawless, feral kids smashing up everything. If they had been beaten throughout their childhood, there'd be no rioting, I can tell you. Those feral kids would have respected their elders. Good elders like the police for example, who only take 300 quid a 'ping' from journalists in order to locate stars' mobiles; and who have cleaned up their act since the Lawrence case, I can tell you. Oh yes. Look at the Mark Duggan case. Completely cleaned up. Well, no. Not like that. I mean, yes. And er no. Good. Yes. Ahem.
Anyway, beating kids makes kids respect the person who beats them. I was thrashed when I was a kid and I respect the police. There you have it. You see, it's a matter of mind over body. You thrash me and my mind respects your body. And your mind. Yes. But if you don't thrash me, I don't respect your mind or your body. Or anyone. You see,working class people haven't got minds. That's why they can't use their minds to bring about respect. So we must give them back the right to thrash. Middle class people are different. They don't need to thrash kids because they've got minds.
I know that some middle class people do thrash their kids.And good luck to them. Take David Cameron. If he had been older he could have thrashed Boris Johnson. Look, I'm of the school that says, what's good enough for the toffs is good enough for us.
Let's use the lamming in Lammy and put the beating back into Labour. As I say to my three year old girl, c'mon, son, look at me like that again, and I'll have you."